I read a passage from Elizabeth Prentiss’ letters the other day that sums up something I have been musing on for a while. She speaks of

the wish without the will to be holy. We pray for sanctification and then are afraid God will sanctify us by stripping us of our idols and feel distressed lest we can not have them and Him too. Reading the life of Madame Guyon gave me great pain and anxiety, I remember. I thought that if such spiritual darkness and trial as she was in for many years, was a necessary attendant on eminent piety, I could not summon courage to try to live such a life. Of all the anguish in the world there is nothing like this -- the sense of God, without the sense of nearness to Him.

My Madame Guyon was John Bunyan. I blew through Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners in one afternoon and evening. It was simultaneously comforting and terrifying that Bunyan’s experience was so like mine – moments of grace and consolation and zeal followed by darkness, coldness of heart, deadness, apathy, temptation, vehement wrestling with the flesh and the devil. I know well his particular temptation towards unbelief. The thought that the gospel is false and that there is no God in the world often grips me with such violent despair that I feel like killing myself. It “removeth the foundations from under me.”

I often tremble at the thought of what trials await me as I strive to be holy. But I would rather be broken and resting only on the sufficiency of Christ than complacent and secure in doctrinal purity or personal righteousness. Humble me, wound me, Lord Jesus, that I might stay nearer to thee, and have not a thought for myself but be completely, totally absorbed in love to thee.

From the conclusion to Grace Abounding:

I find to this day seven abominations in my heart: (1) Inclinings to unbelief. (2) Suddenly to forget the love and mercy that Christ manifesteth. (3) A leaning to the works of the law. (4) Wanderings and coldness in prayer. (5) To forget to watch for that I pray for. (6) Apt to murmur because I have no more, and yet ready to abuse what I have. (7) I can do none of those things which God commands me, but my corruptions will thrust in themselves, 'When I would do good, evil is present with me.'

These things I continually see and feel, and am afflicted and oppressed with; yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good. (1) They make me abhor myself. (2) They keep me from trusting my heart. (3) They convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent righteousness. (4) They show me the necessity of flying to Jesus. (5) They press me to pray unto God. (6) They show me the need I have to watch and be sober. (7) And provoke me to look to God, through Christ, to help me, and carry me through this world. Amen.