I would like to preface this by saying that I am the last person who has any ground to stand on in the criticism of others. I still don't know how to balance my own unworthiness with the need I feel to confront dangerous influences and doctrines. It seems to me that perhaps my critical eye should be leveled at myself and not at others. However, in the suffocating pro-Wilsonism I find myself surrounded with, and with many of my friends in his church, even my own brother, who do not see the terrible end of the road Khrist Kirk is headed on, I find myself impelled to speak my mind.

I try to avoid reading Credenda/Agenda if at all possible. When I go home to visit my family, I hide them so as to limit their influence (I would burn them, but I'd get in trouble for that. As many things get lost in my home, hiding seems the more natural and inoffensive way to go about it). But when I saw the latest issue, I had to laugh, bitterly, at the Thema -- a thesis on church splits by one of the most divisive men in the Reformed church.

Some things have been made clear to me over the past couple of months when talking to others about my mercifully short stay at Khrist Kirk in Moscow. Though not an exhaustive list, nevertheless these are some of the most striking problems I have with CRECism altogether:

The Auburn Avenue kerfuffle of 2002 was caused by the men in question doing what they normally do -- unthinkingly pursuing originality for the sake of originality. Heaven knows, you're not a real intellectual until you've thought of something nobody else has thought of (perhaps it hasn't been thought of because, you know, it's, um, heresy?). Therein lies the problem -- these men were more interested in being intellectuals than in being Christians. I don't believe these men thought through the implications of their more questionable statements before they said them -- why else would they be so hard to pin down on these issues otherwise? If they truly meant what they said, from what I know of their character, they would vociferously stand by it, instead of merely muddying waters that were already solid mud. Were some of them secretly appalled when others proceeded to come to the logical end of their ideas for them? Perhaps. Will they ever have the humility to admit they're wrong? Not in this lifetime. Maybe they'll be more careful about what they say in the future. Maybe.

It's obvious to me what distinguishes true Christianity from Christianity in name only, having been a formalist and a hypocrite for most of my life until God shed His grace abroad in my heart. A humble, self-sacrificial love, a passionate following after Christ, a sense of one's utter impotence and need of a Savior, and a brokenness over sin are essential hallmarks of the regenerate heart, and I fear I see little of this in either the leadership or the congregants of this church. Granted, theirs is not the only church to suffer from this -- hardly. But, in the absence of these, it is dangerous, not to mention downright foolish, to give credence to their ideas about Christian theology.

Doug Wilson says he is against morbid introspection -- which, I agree, is just another term for unbelief -- but in practice, Khrist Kirk is against any kind of introspection at all. I have never seen a congregation so self-sufficient and unbroken by sin, unwilling that any self-examination should ruin the jollity of their EatDrinkAndBeMerryForTomorrowWeConquerTheWorldByInfiltrating
TheCultureThroughSlingingSnideCommentsAndNoveltyDoctrinesThrough
TheWindowsOfOurIvoryTower worldview. I marvel that they can read Ryle, Bunyan, and Owen -- indeed, any of the Puritans -- and not be convicted of the need to know their sin and, therefore, their need of a Savior. It seems remarkable to so side-step such things when they seem hard-wired into Reformed doctrine. As Ryle said, "The plain truth is that a right knowledge of sin lies at the root of all saving Christianity."

Looking back over this post, I realize I have leveled some serious charges against Wilson and his church. I am not handing these judgments down "from on high" -- these are just my own thoughts, and I am more than willing to admit error should someone point it out to me. In fact, I welcome criticism. I would love to be wrong about this -- but my experience says otherwise.

The Unavoidable Retrospective v.2006

I sit here in front of a blank page with that infernally irritating cursor blinking -- I wonder if modern writing is detrimentally affected by this constant reminder of our inability to perfectly articulate our thoughts -- slowness, thoughtfulness, ripening is not allowed. (See? Digression perhaps only for the sake of conquering the empty page).

If 2005 was the beginning of my life, 2006 was the realization that bloody knees, siblings, growing pains, tears, sickness, and death are what await for those who live. (Well, okay, not always siblings . . .) And of all of those, death is actually the most welcomed and the least frightening. I hope that my longing for heaven is purer and more understandable than I suspect it is. I want to be perfectly holy, I want to see my Savior face-to-face and to see Him as He is, I want to have my whole being consumed in the purest expressions of worship, adoration, and love. I don't want to trudge through this life, stumbling, backsliding, lukewarm and then cold, plagued by doubt and temptation, continually ashamed by my flesh. I want righteousness all in one fell swoop. As every biography of eminent saints I've read has made very clear, there is no way to holiness except through fire. I welcome the fire for what I know it brings and yet I shudder before it.

I have learned how easy it is to forget my sin and fall thoughtlessly into self-righteousness. It is this that makes me most ashamed of myself -- it seems the consummate sin, for it entails a complete forgetfulness of my complete depravity and an unaccountable blindness to God's righteousness.

I have learned how important it is to know my own neediness and to remain broken at the feet of Jesus and allow Him to work in me without self or pride getting in the way (not that it ever works that way -- ideally, though). I revel in my helplessness -- thanks be to God that none of it is my doing! I will never understand the draw of man-centered religion -- there is no hope to be had in mankind.

I look back over this year and am deeply ashamed of all the time I did not spend in the pursuit of God, all the time I devoted to the things of this world, all the time I spent thinking of myself and my own comfort. Both the things I have done and the things I have not done condemn me. I expected to do more for God, to have become more conformed to Christ, to have grown more in faith and love than I have. The naivete of a young Christian, I suppose -- but the only reason I did not attain these is that I let my flesh hinder me from running the race as I should have.

If it does nothing else, at least the coming of the new year spurs me to reflection, to repentance, and to a renewed desire to live for God, making Him and Him alone my focus.

This is much more interesting and useful than the Johari Window.

Oh, and I rescued a Power Mac G4 from being excessed at work today.

I just had to post from the Pacific Science Center while in a computer lab filled with iMacs . . . and only iMacs. I guess that's why there are so few people in here right now. The Dead Sea Scrolls are next.

I love being in the city -- it invigorates me.

I'm going to go back to having fun in a very geeky way.

Behold, all is vanity.

Nothing can satisfy the entire man but the Lord's love and the Lord's own self. Saints have tried to anchor in other roadsteads, but they have been driven out of such fatal refuges. Solomon, the wisest of men, was permitted to make experiments for us all, and to do for us what we must not dare for ourselves. Here is his testimony in his own words: "So I was great, and increased more than all that were before me in Jerusalem: also my wisdom remained with me . And whatsoever mine eyes desired I kept not from them, I withheld not my heart from any joy; for my heart rejoiced in all my labour: and this was my portion of all my labour. Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labour that I laboured to do: and, behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit, and there was no profit under the sun." "Vanity of vanities, all is vanity." What! the whole of it is vanity? O favoured monarch, is there nothing in all thy wealth? Nothing in that wide dominion reaching from river even to the sea? Nothing in Palmyra's glorious palaces? Nothing in the house of the forest of Lebanon? In all thy music and dancing, and wine and luxury, is there nothing? "Nothing," he says, "but weariness of spirit." This was his verdict when he had trodden the whole round of pleasure. To embrace our Lord Jesus, to dwell in His love, and be fully assured of union with Him -- this is all in all. Dear reader, you need not try other forms of life in order to see whether they are better than the Christian's: if you roam the world around, you will see no sights like a sight of the Saviour's face; if you could have all the comforts of life, if you lost your Saviour, you would be wretched; but if you win Christ, then should you rot in a dungeon, you would find it a paradise; should you live in obscurity, or die with famine, you will yet be satisfied with favour and full of the goodness of the Lord.

- C. H. Spurgeon